Archive for January, 2012
Ask the Marriage Maven: Angered by an Affair
Q. About a year ago, my husband had an affair with someone we both knew. It happened while I was pregnant. He said it would never happen again, but I’m not so sure. She’s still in and out of our social circles.
I want to try to work things out, but every time I think about it, it makes me sick. The sad thing is that we’ve been married less than three years. Maybe he wasn’t ready to be married. How do we work through our problems and have a happy marriage? Right now, it seems impossible.
P. R.
A. First off, let me say that I’m sorry that this happened to you. It’s hard to overcome the powerful feelings that linger after an affair. But if you think it’s impossible to have a happy relationship now, that’s exactly what it will be. However, if you throw away the attitude of the impossible and embrace the one of determination, having a happy marriage can happen.
You might be right. It is possible (maybe probable) that your husband did not fully understand what your marriage would entail before getting into it, but now you both have a responsibility, and that includes raising your child.
It seems like you’re making some good moves. Seeking help from books and the internet is a great idea. However, I would suggest that if you are not seeking professional counseling or coaching now–do it! Go with someone you trust to get you thought this difficult time. Even if you’re the only one doing it at first, it’s good to get started with a person who can give and objective approach and help you resolve some issues.
Ultimately, you and your husband will need to determine if renewing your commitment can work. Each of you will have to make a choice to consciously work at making your relationship better. Both of you will need to make your marriage a priority—even above taking care of your child(ren).
Despite what many people think, love is not a feeling, it’s a decision. I once heard a saying: “Marriage is like a pet snake, you better feed it every day or bad things will happen.” If your husband is willing to change, positive action towards making your marriage better will be evident. That said keep your eyes and heart open.
Are you feeling relieved after divorce or cheated? After many divorces people feel happy while in many rather more cases they feel cheated. Why? Divorce it self is a very painful process and the times that lead to divorce are more painful. The question is why get the sense of feeling cheated after getting divorce? Let us talk about this.
Relationship demands giving – People give a lot to their marriage; most of them do it except few. Right from the development of relationship, a lot of time, emotional energy and physical resources are given to make it work. During marriage the investment goes higher. Most of the partners want the marriage to work. There are exceptions that unbelievably want to destroy because of psychological problems. When cracks develop in the marriage, lot more effort is made to save the marriage and when the marriage breaks after putting in so much effort, one feels cheated.
Is this true for all? This is not true for all. There are few individuals who don’t give anything in marriage. They ask for it. The demand and contribute nothing. That is the game of selfishness played by them. So these people will never feel cheated. They will only feel bad that they lost an easy victim.
What should you do? The only way out is to forget the losses. Try to erase the past as much as possible. This will be difficult, but break the pain bit by bit. Work on it and it will go away one day. Try to forge another relationship and forget what went wrong. Cut your losses as soon as possible.
They say that beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone. Whether true or not, what the saying implies is that mere physical features are not all that makes a person unattractive. Although we should never judge a book by its cover, here are a few things that are not pretty.
- Personality – No matter what you look like, a bad personality will spoil it for anyone. If you spend all your time on your appearance, and not on your social skills, nobody will find you attractive.
- Dirty – You could be a really attractive person, but it won’t show through a layer of grime. Even if you don’t look like a Greek god or goddess, cleanliness is the next best thing.
- Smell bad – Who cares what you look like if you literally stink? Whether its body odor or overpowering perfume, when you smell bad, nobody wants to get close enough to see your inner beauty.
- Frowning/Negative attitude – Nothing spoils a beautiful countenance like a perpetual frown. A smile, of course, would have the opposite affect. Are you constantly complaining or always seeing the worst in everything? This may have others seeing the worst in you.
- Bad Teeth – Smiling can have a negative affect, however, if you don’t take care of your teeth. Stained, crooked or missing teeth can have a detrimental impact on your overall appearance.
- Ugly clothes – Nobody will see your lovely face if they can’t take their eyes off your hideous clothes. At least this is something easily “changed.”
- Hair – So many people make very unfortunate choices in what they do with their hair. Some guys will hide their best features behind a big bushy beard. Although your hair may not be your best feature, don’t make it your worst.
- Morbid obesity – Most people would not consider being a few pounds overweight as ugly, but there’s a limit. At some point people will not be able to get past the layers you’ve put in the way.
- Annoying voice – You may think she’s the most beautiful woman in the room until she opens her mouth. The voice that sets your teeth on edge will be an ugly feature for both guys and gals.
- Bad habits – Biting your nails, picking or sucking your teeth, loudly chewing gum and spitting are just a few things that will affect your appearance to others. These are all bad but smoking or chewing tobacco are the worst!
We all have to make the best of the physical attributes we have. For those of us who are more blessed than others, your beauty is only in the eye of the beholder. Make sure you’re not doing something to sabotage your appearance.
