Archive for May, 2011
I outline 7 kinds of affairs in my E-book, “Break Free From the Affair.” One affair, “I Can’t Say NO!” is characterized by addictive tendencies. Infidelity (as well as pornography, strip clubs, online chatting, compulsive masturbation, etc.) may be a part of the sexual addiction.
Often the spouse or partner of a sexually addicted person intuitively knows of the addiction and the struggle his/her partner has with the behavior.
The partner often “feels for” his/her partner and is in a great quandary about staying in the marriage or leaving the marriage.
If you are a person facing this dilemma or know of someone who is, here are some pointed questions to help move more quickly through the decision making process:
1. Do you really want to save the marriage or are you just plain worn out? Does it seem that it would be much easier to just put up and tolerate the crazy kind of behavior you bump into with him? Are you emotionally fried and think of confronting him with your feelings and thoughts of ending the marriage as jumping into more emotional turmoil?
2. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you think you should hang in there for religious, moral or other “should” reasons? Most spouses who partner with those who can’t say no are very conscientious people. Is that you? Do you want to do the right thing? Are you willing to continue feeling the humiliation and facing the dangers because you believe you should stay in the marriage? Do convictions rather than practical and personal concerns dictate your decisions?
3. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you believe you should stay to protect the children? Do you think you are the only spouse who can care for the children? (You may be.) Or maybe your spouse cares deeply for the children and is a good parent. (That may be also.) Do you think that ending the marriage would make life immeasurably worse for your children? Do you fear for their welfare if you confront his behavior?
4. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you see absolutely no way out and are resigned to this marriage? You may experience a powerful pervasive feeling of being stuck. You may believe that you have tried everything and that it is in the best interest of everyone to stay where you are. Couple your weariness with your sense of being stuck and you may tolerate a great deal of disappointment and pain for the sake of the marriage.
5. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you see yourself as incapable of getting out? Your self-esteem may be at rock bottom. You may think of yourself as incapable of starting over, incapable of starting a new relationship, incapable of making the transition to a new life and incapable of making decisions on your own. It is not unusual for the spouse of someone who can’t say no to lose her sense of dignity and self-respect as he attempts to control, intimidate and dictate.
6. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you need to protect him? Do you see beyond what is there to him basic emptiness and fear? It’s there and you know it? Perhaps you fear what might happen to him if you do indeed leave? Will he be able to cope? What destructive path might he take next? So you hang in there, aware of his underlying pain and hope some day it will be addressed.
7. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you live in the fear that if you talk about leaving you will face danger? Perhaps you might face violence? You might face the emotional game playing at a new level of intensity? Does it seem wiser to hold back, not confront, not move toward change for fear of what he might say or do? Do you sometimes feel frozen with fear?
8. Do you really want to save the marriage or have you given no thought to how you might start over? This is a little different than the fear of starting over. Perhaps your life has been so wrapped around his or the care of your children that you have given little, if any, thought to you. Have you thought of your desires, your skills, your dreams, your hopes and your future apart from him? Or, apart from your children?
Take some time to seriously and thoughtfully address these questions. Once you do, you may experience a new found freedom to act and move in new ways.
Surveillance is the process by which behavior is monitored. Surveillance can involve the use of video cameras, or still cameras, or recording equipment or even one individual following and noting the actions of another.
Through surveillance, a number of activities can be uncovered. Here are five situations in which someone might hire a private investigator to conduct surveillance.
1. A spouse suspects that his wife or her husband may be cheating. This is a common situation in which a private investigator is hired to conduct surveillance. When you hire an investigator, you’ll no longer have to sit at home and wonder if your spouse is out with someone else, where he or she is supposed to be or if your suspicions have merit. He or she can be watched from a distance, followed to certain locations and – if necessary – photographed to provide the necessary evidence of an affair.
2. Before joining in on a new business venture, an entrepreneur wants to verify that their investor is who he or she claims to be. In this case, surveillance by a private investigator will involve conducting a background check – something that can also be done by parents who are looking to hire a live in nanny or by homeowners or business owners who are looking to hire a general contractor for work. Similarly, surveillance may be done by a families who are looking into care facilities for elderly loved ones to ensure that they will be getting the best care possible.
3. A business owner suspects that one of his or her employees may be embezzling from the company. When a business owner feels that an employee is being disloyal to or stealing from the business, it is important to identify which employee is at fault. Surveillance with cameras or even through the computer network can help to identify the source of the problem.
4. When an absentee parent stops making child support payments, a private investigator may be called in to conduct surveillance to determine if and where the person is living and working. Similar investigations may be conducted to identify the location of those who owe a business money and are refusing to pay.
5. Insurance companies may ask a private investigator to conduct surveillance when they suspect that someone who was injured in an accident may be overstating their injuries. Surveillance in this case may uncover the person participating in activities that their limitations should prohibit – giving the insurance companies grounds for no longer making payments to that individual.
Are their other reasons why someone may consider hiring a private investigator to conduct surveillance? Of course there are.
If you suspect that surveillance should be conducted to determine the actions of another individual, do not try to do it yourself. A private investigator will have a strong sense of regulations in your area and will be able to conduct that surveillance is legal and safe – surveillance that you’ll be able to use to prove your case, if it comes to that.
If you think that you need the surveillance that a private investigator can provide, contact someone in your area who can answer your questions.
Whether it comes before or after the papers are signed, economic hardship is all too familiar to many couples who divorce. Following a few financial guidelines can ease the burden during this difficult time.
Each year, 1 million Americans divorce. More than 80 percent of divorcing couples cite “debt and financial distress” as the primary factor in the dissolution of their marriages, according to an American Bar Association survey, and studies find that most families suffer a financial decline following a divorce. By taking steps to protect credit, families can come through in much better shape. Bills.com, a national consumer finance portal, encourages divorcing couples to take the following steps:
1. Accurately assess debts and liabilities. First, see yourself as your creditors do. Online (see http://www.myfico.com ) or by phone, you can request a “tri-merge” credit report (a summary from all three major credit reporting bureaus). Note all of your existing shared and individual liabilities. Settle (or get a judgment) on how you’ll allocate these responsibilities.
2. Plan on how to handle your home. If you own a home, the mortgage is likely your most significant monthly payment. Be certain you understand how you’ll resolve monthly mortgage payments, and how you’ll divide the home’s value – whether one partner buys out the other now, or the home is to be sold after children are grown.
3. Budget for payments. Create a detailed budget, based on your new income level, and use free cash flow to pay off debts. Most people find the most efficient way to pay off debts is to first pay off smaller bills – starting with under $100 – then pay off loans and unsecured debt, such as credit cards, beginning with the account with the highest interest rate.
4. Make sure your ex-spouse is making his or her payments. If possible, make provisions in the divorce agreement for reporting on resolution of significant debt. There are important implications for you personally if your spouse does not meet his/her end of the bargain on liabilities allocated through the divorce proceedings.
Call all creditors for shared accounts (credit cards, gas cards, department store cards, phone cards, etc.). Close the accounts if you are not carrying balances, or remove your name from jointly held accounts. Remember that for jointly held credit cards, and for any other debts incurred during the marriage in community property states, you have shared liability – and thereby share any potential negative credit rating impact. This means that if your spouse does not make payments after the divorce, it could come back to haunt you – and your credit rating.
If you owe back taxes, be aware that the IRS does not have to honor a decision from a divorce judgment. Consult a tax expert to help with your divorce tax planning.
5. Focus on rehabilitating your credit and financial health. Begin a savings plan. Reinvest any proceeds or equity that come out of the divorce proceeding, and be especially cognizant of building yourself a retirement fund for the future.
If you find yourself in trouble during this stressful time — in which you must make many financial decisions — seek help immediately from a reliable, professional debt resolution firm. Be sure to investigate the company you choose to assist you, and seek out a company that operates for the consumer, which is markedly different from credit counseling, debt consolidation, and debt management firms.
